i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
