Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
barbara walters just said penis...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
