summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
