I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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