Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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