True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
