as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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