Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
