I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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