Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
