so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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