My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
