Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
