You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
