Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
