i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Your cock deserves a montage
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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