I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
