My underwear smells like fireworks.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
