I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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