When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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