i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
