I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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