i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
