He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
