Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
