we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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