Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize