I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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