Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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