so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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