Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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