His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
