but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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