So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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