john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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