Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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