I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
