My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
