I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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