i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
