Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need water and some morals
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
