Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
