He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
