having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
