im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
