I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
