my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize