I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
