Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
