I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
