never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
