When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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