If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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