we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
