question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I could fuck to npr.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
