Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Drake has all the answers
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
