Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
whose parrot is this?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
