ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
