Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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