Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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