I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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