the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
