You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
