Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
