no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
