Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
