You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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