Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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