I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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