Yo dont text me then not text me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
